Two years ago today i was left to be a single parent
I like to think i have been doing a pretty good job
Ally is well adjusted, smart and funny and everyone always tells me how happy she is all the time.

I am so lucky to have such supportive family and friends who help me when i need it the most
and though two years ago i was so afraid i wouldn't be able to handle a whole human being on my own
I have done just fine.

I love my little girl and it will be me and her forever <3

Just Sad
It's sad that you feel like you need to compare our kids

Get over your insecurities
Our children share the same father
neither is better then the other
I've thought about sinking to that level but never have because I share half siblings and care for them, regardless of our parents dislike for each other.

I guess you feel SO insecure that you have to put it that way.
Get over it.
Because if i really wanted to, i could disprove that theory right here and now.
But i'm not that petty.

#betterthenyours, how about #getoveryourissues

Things change so quickly
I'm living in my apartment now
My mom is still stressing but, once she moves things will calm down between us
I have no qualms in my personal life
I have finally achieved some inner peace

School is going better then ever
Though my Geog class is SOOOOOO boring.

Now, i am sitting in my apartment
Texting some friends
thinking about how to decorate and have nothing but a smile on my face.

<3 Life, is good.

It was so nice
When i actually get to see you interact with our daughter
i can't help but smile
Seeing you hold her and hug her and kiss her
That's all i ever wanted
Though today was hard
and we had to see our baby girl hooked up to all kinds of wires
and worry that her little brain is going to be okay
it was still nice....
I miss SEEING how much you love her...

Curiosity killed the cat
Hmmm, so despite the fact that you can't even look me in the eye you can look at my instagram
No wait, not just MY instagram but one of my best friends instagram too.

Oh, didn't think i knew? Well, when you accidentally like pictures on not just MY insta but my friends, it's kind of hard not to know.

Oh and btw, you shouldn't talk -ish about me to people who talk to me on a regular basis. Even if it is something small.

Maybe instead of holding onto this stupid grudge that you have against me, you should try and extend an olive branch. Until you do, you're only making things harder on yourself.

Just sayin

All the things you missed
I wonder if you think about all the things you missed with OUR daughter as you go through them with your own
It's really sad that i have to put it that way, you weren't really around much when she was that age
this was when i had to fight with you to get you to spend any time with Ally.

The sadder thing is, is that you will always be realizing the every day things you're missing
as you go through them with her.

Oh well, it's really not my loss, it's yours.
I just keep regretting that day when ally starts asking for you, and i can't do anything about it.

Ugh my head
Sometimes i think about the old you
how you USE to be.
You were an awesome person, someone i could put trust
Now i can't even trust a word you say
someone who knew all the ways to make me laugh and smile
Now i just get irritated every time we talk
someone i always wanted to be around
Now i just try and get away as fast as i can
I use to think about how amazing of a father you would be
now i just find myself saying "What happened?!"

It hurts still, i do so much as a single mother. I'm lucky i get all the help i do from my mom
Doesn't stop me from getting sick and having to take care of ally on my own
Doesn't help with wanting to go to things and not being able to because i don't have someone to babysit.
Sometimes i wish i could just drop her on your door and say "Here, you take her for the week"
I want to relax and recover, take a breather for longer then a night but i don't get to.

Don't get me wrong, i love my daughter, i love that she is mine and i get to spend every day with her.
On occasion i get a break, your mother is kind enough to pick her up on Saturday after work and take her through sunday
but that shouldn't be her job it should be yours.

I would be okay with you picking her up and driving with her if you had a freaking license, but sadly in the last what....4 years? probably longer, you have done nothing about the fact that you don't have a legal license.
You use to be such a good person
such an awesome person

Why did that have to change

Still lonely
I am SOOO happy for Erika
sooo happy that she found someone she loves
someone that she can live with and be with

but for the last two years she has lived with me
if i needed someone i could just walk across the hall and snuggle with her
talk to her and she would be there
but now she's gone

I walked through the two rooms tonight and i just started crying
I really miss her,

Before when i was lonely she was there and i could just be with her
but now she's not and i feel so alone.

Another day down
Another day, just keeping myself busy at this point

I can't wait to get back to school, i finally reapplied to go back in the fall to Palomar.
I am looking into their Medical Assistant program, if i can get my foot in the door at Kaiser, then they will send me back to school to become a registered Nurse.

I think of my future, getting my own home, Ally having her own room, a back yard to play in, friends in the neighborhood. I think of taking her to school, but the funny thing is I'm on my own, no one is helping me, and i feel so independent.

I see a future in this, and i feel so good. I will be able to do this on my own.

As for now, i'm just waiting for the days to pass, taking ally to the park or the pool, play dates, wild animal park, things like that. I hope that the Low income Daycare i applied for will contact me before the school semester begins, if not...i will have to take evening classes.

I just can't wait to get out of this rut i feel like I'm in. Doing the same thing day in and day out, not much social interaction except for the same people. School will do that for me, and give me some time away from Ally without feeling guilty that i left my responsibility to someone else (If i get accepted for low income daycare)

School, here i come <3

So tired
I'm tired of fighting with you to see your daughter
and though to you it may not seem like fighting, to me it is.

I shouldn't have to ask you if you want to see her
on your days off you should be jumping at the chance to hang out with her
Most people would take advantage of the fact that someone else is willing to do all of the transportation.
You text me once a week to drop her off at your place, and then you see her Sundays

Didn't you promise me like 4 months ago that it wasn't going to get this bad again?
I have had this same conversation with you 3 times in the last year.

I always thought you didn't want to be the dad that's hardly ever there, well why not try making more of an effort.
She's a year old, you know in the next year she will start talking? asking for you?
it is going to break my heart when she asks me where you are and I don't know what to tell her.

I'm not going to let I'm sorry be a regular thing for her when it comes to you.
You have to understand that your apologies don't mean anything to me anymore, but they will to her.
Don't abuse that, because after so many, they wont mean anything to her either.

You're a great dad when you're with her
but being a good dad doesn't help with you're not around.

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